13 posts tagged “funny”
I was enjoying a lovely, sunny day in the Mission with Sarah. We were discussing Geo-Cache (which I had never heard of before) and sipping on iced tea when she burst out, "Are those penises on that bus?" Um, why yes they are. Wearing shirts no less. And see those tiny red things in the corner? Those are syphilis germs.
Stay classy SF, stay classy.
On ffffound originally by Andrea Canalito
Last night I sat down to an assortment of new alarm clocks and two giant, the biggest I’d ever seen, papayas on the dining room table. “They cute huh honey?” mom asked as she scooped rice into a bowl.
“Are they supposed to be…um, cute?” I prodded one of the papayas. It was bright green and didn’t look like it was going to soften anytime this year, much less this month.
“Yea, mom proud they so big. Good deal. Buy big, less money.”
Before I could comment on how absurd that sounded, the alarm clocks began rattling in succession. What the… 7pm. Oh right, every hour on the hour. This was all perfectly normal (at least in our household) until one of the clocks started belting out country tunes. Country tunes in a robotic, doorbell kind of way, the kind of country tunes found in cartoons with Bugs Bunny chasing the Road Runner down some lonely stretch of Texas desert. First the rooster phone now country tune alarm clocks. WTF.
Mom glanced up and laughed, “It cute honey?”
*****
On this visit, my mom had these two tidbits of wisdom for me:
#1 Saving for the Future:
“Thanh My already bought house. She two year younger than you, no speak English too good. But she came here after and she save, save money. Why you not like that? You know she single, three kid wit BIG HOUSE. She work on nail just downtown. She good daughter…”
Wait. She’s single with three kids and you think she’s a good daughter for buying a house??
#2 Dating Up in Life:
“Mom say you don’t need date. But if you want man, go Vietnam honey. Many rich, mill-on-aire. Take rich boy back wit you. They give you fifty thousand to go America. And you no have to live wit them.
[pauses]
I should have done too when I young like you. But now too late. Still, you go. You pretty girl, have chance to make money. Better than be alone, mommy tinks.”
Nice. I'd rather be alone and um, I think that’s illegal.
By tomorrow morning, I will have survived almost 72 hours at home. This is a big deal considering my previous visit lasted less than a day. What can I say, my patience for dealing with family has been at an all-time low. Overall though, besides the constant rooster calls (via telephone and clocks) and my parents' inability to speak in anything other than their stadium voices, it was a nice-ish stay. I caught up with childhood friends, shopped with cousins and even bonded with my mother over rice bowls.
Yes. Bowls. Apparently her newfound obsession is with dinnerware, rice bowls in particular. Which is kind of nice considering her past obsessions: there was the year of nylon tracksuits, replaced by Buddhist statues of every shape and size, and then came the chili garden (which is now producing more chili than any of us can eat). Every week she finds new bowls and plates and then ends up selling the old ones or just giving them away. I hope by the time I'm her age, they will have some sort of medication for this.
In other news, I'm off to London and Amsterdam on Sunday. So excited for the shopping and the fact that I'll be ringing in the New Year somewhere else. I'll try to update as often as I can, but in the meantime here are some funny quotes from mom to hold you over:
Mom: You look nice honey. Jacket very nice...
Me: Oh, this? This is old but I love it.
Mom: How much? Tell mommy, it expensive? Must be, look expensive.
Me: Um..I don’t remember..not sure actually.
Mom: Hmm, me think you shop too much. Why you spend so much money when jobs so bad? You waste the money!
****
Mom: You ate dinner already with Chinh? That good. I made soup for you too.
Me: [pause]
Mom: Make sure you eat it. Want to eat it now?
Me: Um..But I’m not hungry.
Mom: What? You diet again?? Why diet all the time? No good look skinny. Boy no like.
****
Mom: You think all the store, they close Christmas? Like no one work?
Me: [pause]
Mom: We go shopping tomorrow, okay?
Me: But all the stores will be closed, Mom.
Mom: So they ALL close tomorrow? Mom no understand why they do that. How they make money?
****
Mom: Eat more, you so skinny. Will die soon.
Me: Um..I don’t think I’m going to die?
Mom: Tsk, tsk, tsk..don’t talk back to mommy. I made soup for you. Want to eat it now?
****
Me: [hands over present]
Mom: I no need new camera. Why camera?
Me: To take pictures with when you go to Vietnam..
Mom: Okay, I take it. Thank you honey. Mommy can sell it for good price at flea market.
****
Mom: You need to drink milk. You want milk, I get for you?
Me: I’m fine without milk for breakfast.
Mom: Why no drink milk? Make you stronger, better bones. You get old, must drink milk.
Me: I take vitamins every day. Calcium vitamins too.
Mom: No, no. Vitamins bad for you. Very bad, just drink milk. Especially from cow.
Me: But um..that doesn’t make any sense..
